Funky Enough

I have worked in and out of many gyms for what seems like half my life. The aesthetics, the equipment and the faces may vary, but the one constant is the smell. The second you enter some gyms the stench of bacteria and germs swimming in pools of sweat, and taking refuge in sweaty towels and clothing enters your nostrils and rips through your respiratory system like road kill on a hot summer's day. If smell is the strongest sense tied to memory, then there are people I have met in gyms that I will never forget. Aromatic assault should be labeled a crime punishable by death, perhaps a pool of boiling bubble bath. I'm sure there must be a right to fresh-air law on the books that deals with this sort of annoyance.

Back to back to back aerobic classes in the same studio just saturates the air with fowl offensive aroma. Two dozen or more people exercising in an enclosed area does not make for a bed of roses; It's more like changing time at a child daycare center. You better add a military-issued gas mask to your Christmas wish list this year, if you're going to continue to endure those cardio funk classes. Also beware of the puddles of sweat that have been conveniently left on the aerobic floor for you to slip and fall in. But don't worry Washington D.C. has so many lawyers, at least five of them will hand you their business card before you hit the floor.

The worst situation is the person who comes to the gym already stinking to high hell. By the time they finish their workout the funk coming from their body is at Def Com 5. Do these people not smell themselves? Why would you leave the house smelling like that? These are the people that smell so bad, you don't even want to stand in the same area they are in. After they vacate the premises you can still sense their looming scent. You see people looking around and sniffing trying to figure out where the smell of dead fish is coming from.

I think at the end of every gym membership contract should be a disclaimer in bold print that reads air quality not included.

Have you ever gone to use a machine, and noticed the person before you has left a nice sweaty imprint of their body? If the culprit is still around, sometimes he or she will offer to clean up their moisture glistening mess with the sleeve or tail of their sweaty shirt. I fail to see the logic of this solution.

Don't get me started on the cycling class area. Sweat flys through the air like a game of dodge ball. Routinely gyms pack the bikes so close together there is no way you can run for cover. You just have to grin and bare it. Like the aerobic rooms this part of the gym stinks too.

Your sense of smell can tell you a lot about a person, like whether or not they knocked back a few shots of tequila the night before. You can bet that the scent of a Saturday night drinking spree will come oozing out of your sweat glands during a Sunday morning workout. Many a client has given me a contact buzz.

But even though the gym often smells like it's down-wind from a cattle farm, I would never trade in my sneakers and sweats for a tie and jacket, ball and chain, sweet smelling, 70 hours a week desk job. I'm funkdafied and happy.