He doesn't mean it

Cookie Monster - My Hero & Mentor

The Cookie Monster, the long time children's champion of junk food, is swearing off cookies, say it ain't so. Cookie Monster, who put you up to this treacherous deed? What happened to "C is for cookie", and why is it being replaced with "a cookie is a sometimes food?" If that means sometime during the course of each and everyday, I agree. There is no way in the world a plate of brussel sprouts compares to a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie from Mrs. Fields.

It seems that the television producers of my beloved Sesame Street along with health experts, and politicians have banned together to launch a "Healthy Habits For Life" campaign, and pulled the poor Cookie Monster into their scandalous plot. Apparently there is an issue over the rising rate of childhood obesity, and the anti-junk-food establishment doesn't think the Cookie Monster is setting a good example for the kiddies. What are they talking about? I built this finely tuned machine (I call my body) on an abundant steady supply of junk food (Mc Donalds' fries, hamburgers, and shakes, Hotess cupcakes, and pies, Charm Pops, ice cream, and cookies.)

Don't these wackos know that this sudden change in the nation's dietary plan could single handedly ruin the very fiber of our society, not to mention put me out of work. I mean really, the very nature of my job relies on grooming children for obesity, so that they can grow-up to be good health club patrons as adults. How am I suppose to feed myself and pay my bills, if everyone goes around taking good care of themselves? What will happen to the health care industry? Don't they realize how serious the consequences could be?

Let me pause here for a second to stuff another gummy bear in my mouth. Ummmmmm, that's better, I was starting to lose my sugar high. Now, where was I? I blame this scandal on the "strictly vegan freaks" who won't so much as eat an egg, because it comes out of a chicken's butt. Vegans have decided to make eating a state of unhappy affairs, and they are now trying to bring us along for the ride. Hell no, I won't go. If anyone of you healthy for life habits advocates comes near my cookie jar, I will fill you full of jelly beans up to your eyeballs, and dump you into Willie Wonker's chocolate river." Now back away, before somebody gets hurt.

First thing Monday morning I plan to file for an injunction to block the airing of any and all campaigns that suggests that cookies are anything but good for you. In a show of union, all readers of this post should organize a rally outside the offices of your local public broadcast station. Who's in?

The Empire Strikes Back : Part II

I actually wrote the above post two years ago in protest of public health officials forcibly changing the endearing qualities of one of my favorite childhood characters the Cookie Monster. The fact that the Cookie Monster under duress was made to switch his catch line from "me love cookies...yum, yum, yum, yum" to "a cookie is a sometimes food" was a bitter compromise for me to swallow. But now the devoid of iconic culture, politically correct, stringent health nuts have gone too far with their latest attempt to further defile my childhood memories. They want the Cookie Monster to change his name to the "Veggie Monster." In response, I would like to take a Christmas tree (ooh, I'm sorry; I meant to say Spirit tree) and flog each and every conspirator of this latest attack, until their bodies are ladened with pine needles. What's next, is "Oscar The Grouch" going to suddenly become a gleeful neurotic neat freak concerned about hygiene with a strong eye for fashion, because kids fuss a lot, hate to clean their rooms, play with mud pies, and can't tastefully coordinate their outfits?

Leave the Cookie Monster alone, and give the carrot sticks to Mr. Snuffleupagus. He looks like he could stand to lose a few pounds.