Trash Talk 101

We all like to toot our own horns from time to time, but none do it with more infatuation than sports fanatics and athletes. They routinely shoot off at the mouth, boasting about their athletic prowess or that of their favorite athlete or team. Brash barrages of words are used like battering rams to smash the egos and self worth of opposing fans and foes. It's the art of rude commentary, commonly known as "trash talk."

One of the greatest "stone cold poets" of all time was boxing legend Muhammad Ali. He made a career out of unleashing verbal assaults of humility and intimidation. Before the famous "Rumble In The Jungle" with then heavyweight champion George Foreman, one of his numerous quotes included "when I get to Africa we're gonna get it on, because we don't get a long; I'm gonna eat 'em up!" Even more scorching was the comment he made of Joe Frazier heading into "The Thriller In Manila", when he proclaimed that Frazier was too ugly to be champion. Some might have thought that was true, but it was just plain rude to say so. Incidentally, Ali won both of those fights, which leads me to my next point. If you talk the talk; you better walk the walk. Muhammad Ali did both; rare exception. The list of athletes whose mouths far exceed their abilities is a lot longer.

Trash talkers may not be Shakespeareans, but many are quick with the wit. I always though "Float like a butterfly, and sting like a bee" was a clever descriptor. Others have a skillful knack for poking fun of the most obscure and mundane details of their rivals, and turning them into a hilarious 15-minute monologue while barely stopping to take a breath. Some use their stage time to announce ominous preludes of pain and destruction, or to erect verbal monuments in their honor . The less witty attack you with references about your mother, father, sister, wife, etc. This type of approach is the lowest form of trash talking, because it's the most ill-reasoned and ignorant of all the tactics.

But barring grossly degrading comments about race, religion or sex, much of the off-colored humor surrounding sports is just slapstick ball busting. You might even call it good PR. Polite angelic football players don't make for good viewing or reading, and they damn sure don't sell tickets at the gate. Civilization has only progressed half as much as it thinks. We enjoy ESPN (The Entertainment Sports Network) highlights of arrogant loud-talking coaches, players and fans at each other's throat padding their overinflated egos. It's good entertainment. But more importantly it raises the anticipation of seeing gladiators collide, which is always good for the bottom-line (mo' $, mo' $$, mo' $$$).

Any time two or more people (mainly men) are on opposing sides words start to fly with the intent to defame and defile. Hell, even a seemingly harmless game of checkers can turn into an ugly discussion. What makes most of these jabbering matches all the more funny is that half the time these word-slingers have no real knowledge of the sport they're yapping about. But you have to admire the passionate conviction they put into trying to give their baseless thoughts a shred of credibility.

The reason for all this self-glorification is simple; it's the fear of failure and disappointment. The egos of fans and athletes live and die thousands of times with every fleeing second of a contest, and every opportunity realized or squandered. Whole countries have been known to go into mourning when one of their national favorites loses. But when the dice roll their way, trash talkers want everyone to know that they are bad to the bone. However, there is a fine line between pride and arrogance. Like spitting into the wind, cocky words come back at you when you find yourself on the end of a ass whopping after you swore otherwise. Then who's laughing ?
Now I am not much of a trash talker. I believe good performance speaks for itself and shows confidence without having to be coaxed. The old folks say "if you don't talk, people can only wonder about how smart or dumb you are, but when you speak everyone knows for sure."

Warning: for the vocally self-absorbed, be careful that your mouth doesn't write a check that your behind can't cash.

20 Trash Talk Phrases (that weren't too raunchy to print):

1. I box like heaven, that's why you look like hell.
2. There's gonna be two hits; me hitting you, and you hitting the ground.
3. When this is over, I have the name and number of a good doctor you can see tomorrow.
4. That's what you get for talking hard, but not being hard.
5. When I'm done there will be nothing left of you except a shadow.
6. I don't see anthing between me and you, except space and opportunity.
7. I'm going to eat you up, and spit out the pieces I don't like.
8. The surgeon is in; time to slice and dice.
9. The only way you will wear me out is to stitch your name on my pants.
10. Get your grandmother to play, maybe she'll be better competition.
11. After a hard fowl: Come through the middle and you pay the the price. No free rides.
12. After stopping a shot: Get that crap out of here.
13. Say good-night, the Sandman is here.
14. Stick to losing; you're good at it.
15. I'm giving out lollipops and butt whoppings, and right now I am all out of lollipops.
16. I could tell you that you played well, but than I would be lying.
17. Don't try to defend me, unless you want to get burned.
18. I'm going to spank you like your daddy.
19. Stop trying to catch me, before you have a heart attack.
20. I'm going to have to get medical attention for my fists, if I keep hitting you like this.