Gym Fashion Mistakes

Discretion is the better part of valor. Exercise good judgment when you decide what to wear to the gym. I understand that fashion is a matter of personal choice. But frankly some wardrobe decisions do not make sense to me. Just because some popular clothing item looks good being adorned by a mannequin in a store front window, does not mean it will flatter you in the same way.

Whoever said, "clothes make the man", clearly did not live during the age of spandex. It seems the fashion police and animal rights activists have been so concerned with manufacturers and consumers of fur clothing that they let the spandex abuse crisis slip under the radar. I blame spandex for my chronic case of T.M.I. (Too Much Information), which is what I get every time I have to bear witness to a guy walking around the gym in tight spandex shorts with a clearly formed impression of his tally-whacker and goody-bag highlighted like an outlined chalk figure at a murder scene.

Women are also culprits of committing heinous acts of spandex abuse. Some women try to squeeze into elastic outfits that did not fit them 3 years ago, when they were ten pounds lighter and two sizes smaller. The elasticity of spandex does have its limits. Tease me with a little flesh, and save some for the imagination. The seepage of ass, breasts, love handles and saddle bags, along with textile jammed into the crevices of a woman's body is not sexy at all. The only things ladies will attract with this look are maladjusted perverts, and yeast infections.

To avoid social embarrassment, ridicule, finger pointing, and disgusted looks, here is a list of ten gym fashion faux pas:

1. If you decide to go commando (under-wear free) underneath your bottoms, make sure there are no peek-a-boo gaps that will allow everyone to see your secret garden.
2. Full-figured women and husky men should stay away from horizontal lines that run across the body. It gives the visual perception of making one look bigger, in addition to looking like a prison escapee.
3. If you need to get a running start to get into a pair of shorts or pants, they are too small for you. You probably have not fit those bottoms since primary school. Likewise, if putting on your top feels like a wrestling match, once again it is too small for you!
4. There is a casual atmosphere at the gym, but it's not so casual that you can start wearing your under-wear as outer-wear. Perhaps people who spend a lot of money shopping for these items at expensive boutiques do not want attention to their bloomers to be limited to themselves.
5. Wearing shades while listening to, "I Wear My Sun Glasses At Night" on your ipod might seem like a nostalgic idea. It's a thought that should be saved for karaoke night. Sporting shades inside the gym makes you look either blind or stupid. The eighties are gone, get over it.
6. Tying a sweat shirt or jacket around your waist does not avert attention to your ass. It is like trying to throw a napkin over an elephant to disguise the fact that it is there. It only makes sense that if you add layers to an area that is already pronounced, it is just going to appear even bigger.
7. Do wear gender appropriate clothing. Guys wearing crushed velvet scooped neck tank-tops from the Miss teen section is a no-no. Only Prince can pull off some fashion discord like that. Women should not try to look like studs. It's unattractive to see a woman wearing over-sized men's clothing draped all over her body. A sweat shirt that has sleeves five inches past the tip of the longest finger, and bottoms with an inseam twelve inches from the ground will make any woman look like M.C. Hammer.
8. Don't show up to the gym an expect to workout with boots, sandals, dress shoes or some other ill choice of footwear. The reason should be self explanatory.
9. If you workout in the same outfit 5 days a week, but wash it only once a week, than you are both stinky and unfashionable. You should give serious consideration to adjusting your wash-to-wear-ratio.
10. No man or woman should wear leg warmer socks. The Jane Fonda/Flash Dance era is over.

Note: in case I go senile in my older age and I am unable to make this plea, if anyone out there ever sees me at the gym wearing a tank-top, suspenders, plaid Bermuda shorts hiked up to my chest, long dress socks to my knees, and sandals, do be kind and shoot me.